The Five

 I never fathomed at 27, I'd be single. I'm ok with that, but it got me thinking about how I am the way I am in my relationships with men.

On the eve/early morning hours of that birthday, I've come to conclusion of sorts.

There have been five men in my life who have most affected me in regards to romantic relationships and these are them.
I've decided to write these as if they were notes to them. Some I'm still in contact with, some I haven't seen or heard from in years. But each have shaped my relationships with the others.

Of course, I won't be naming names. Instead, I'll label them like an episode of Friends. If you recognize them, please, keep it to yourself. I don't intend this to call people out on anything, it's merely me reflecting on this aspect of my life.

Now, gents, if you do recognize yourself in here, you're welcome to privately message me. Please stay out of the comments. Thanks.

The Five:

The One Who Swept Me Off My Feet.

You were my first real love. "Real" love in a teenage sense. You were the first big crush I had and the man who had ever shown anything in reciprocation.

For 3 years, you were the star of my teenage affection.  I'd only see you once a year for a week at a time, but it didn't matter. We'd emailed back and forth a couple of times and that was enough for me.

I think twitter-pated is in an accurate description.

You were sweet, funny and gosh-darn-good-looking and I was smitten. And, oh, how you could dance. I think that was the best part of all. The dancing.

Every year it was the same flirting and dancing and then, suddenly, it stopped. You dropped me so fast, my little 18-year-old self-conscious heart didn't know quite what to do. I know why it stopped and it was stupid and my fault.

It took a year to move on. As it sometimes does.

But, from you, I found that there was a chance for me to find someone who cared about me too. And that dancing is important to me... Oh, so important.

You're married now and probably don't remember me. But I hope you're happy.

I am.


The One I Should Have Known Was Trouble When He Walked In.  

You were trouble. Soo much trouble, right from the beginning. And, I believe it's either ironic, or maybe idiotic, that you are the only one out of my Five that I've actually dated.

I could say I wished I'd never dated you, but I'm pretty sure that would be a lie. Because now I know exactly what I NEVER want in a relationship.

What we had was unhealthy.

But, again, I was smitten. A boy (and yes, I mean boy) whom I barely knew, was showing interest in me and because of that I started liking you. And you reciprocated.  And, bam, smitten.

I had a pretty low criteria. Like me back. That was it.

It was doomed from the start.

I put-up with and turned a blind eye to so much crap with you. Definitely too much.

You literally stole my first kiss from me. Not ok, dude. Not ok.

I didn't recognize it at the time, but you were borderline abusive. Never physical, but absolutely mentally and emotionally. A master manipulator and all around skeeve.

I finally realized how bad it had been right after you ended it. I felt so relieved it was over. Not sad in the least. RELIEVED.

Never again.

The One I Called My Best Friend

I thought you were the one. I really did. We had so much fun together. We talked or messaged every day, for over a year, and spent so much time together people thought we WERE dating.

You introduced me toa lot of things that I love and helped me to figure out a lot of who I am now and the things I'm passionate about.

I remember the night I realized you were not on the same page as me and that we were never going to happen. I cried. The whole drive home.

It was hard to let go and it put a sudden, painful hiatus on our friendship.

I'm really sorry for that.

I should have been more up front with you. But I think that time was essential in the long-term. If we hadn't a the rift, we wouldn't have needed to take that day trip to get back in to our rhythm.

The trip we pretty much forced your now-wife to come on with us.

She's more a match for you than I could ever be.

Thank you for the good times. I'll never forget them.


The One I Didn't Think Would Become One

I still don't know about you. When we first met, I wasn't sure we'd get on, but, when you turned around as you were leaving and asked if I'd be in the next day, and then gave me a big smile and a thumbs up at my affirmative response, I was a bit surprised but happy.

We've become pretty close since.

You've had a girlfriend the entire time I've known you, so I've never expected there will be anything more. Well, there are more factors than just that. You are so kind and loving and give such good hugs. And you're there with a listening ear when I've needed it.

We both cried when I left. I think you were one of the hardest things for me to leave behind.

But regardless of our future, I'm so grateful to have you in my life.  You let me feel like I'm worth so much more than I sometimes let myself believe.

Thank you.


The One With Whom I Have Terrible Timing

You are my match. I wish I were just being extreme in my wording, but I'm not. You are the perfect match for me.

I've never experienced any thing quite like the way things are with you. Everything just fits. It kind of scares me how well we go together.

I never feel I need to try to impress you or behave in a out-of-character way to keep you around. We can talk for hours but still be perfectly comfortable just being together reading on our own. It feels so effortless.

When it comes to men, I don't know if I've ever had a "checklist", but you've come along and checked the things I would have had.

Now pretty much everything is checked except, really, the most important one: Is the feeling mutual?

That's the thing I'm not sure of right now.

Part of the reason, I think, is we seem to have really poor timing. We never seem to be in the same area for more than a couple of days at a time.  We can never seem to get it right.

Whatever the case, life will work out as it's supposed to. But thank you for showing me I do have matches out there. I really wasn't sure that was the case.





So, there you have it. My Five. Not life-changing material, but I felt I needed to share it.

Maybe ask yourself, who's your Five? Or maybe you have more/less? What brought you to where you are or who you're with now?

It was a bit cathartic writing to my Five. It might do the same for you.