Another Year Over. A New One Just Begun... Almost

It's been awhile.

And it's been a very long year.

This year has been all over the place. Major highs and some of the lowest lows I've ever experienced.
I really don't want to go through it all again, but I know I've benefitted from the experiences of this year, I just may not see the full benefit right now.

I'm really happy to leave 2013 behind. I'm not really that superstitious, but the 13 of this year has really done a number on me.

I look forward to a new year and a fresh start so I can get back to the happy place I was the beginning of last year.

It may not be easy, but I know it's attainable.

Happy Christmas and Happy New Year.

The Five

 I never fathomed at 27, I'd be single. I'm ok with that, but it got me thinking about how I am the way I am in my relationships with men.

On the eve/early morning hours of that birthday, I've come to conclusion of sorts.

There have been five men in my life who have most affected me in regards to romantic relationships and these are them.
I've decided to write these as if they were notes to them. Some I'm still in contact with, some I haven't seen or heard from in years. But each have shaped my relationships with the others.

Of course, I won't be naming names. Instead, I'll label them like an episode of Friends. If you recognize them, please, keep it to yourself. I don't intend this to call people out on anything, it's merely me reflecting on this aspect of my life.

Now, gents, if you do recognize yourself in here, you're welcome to privately message me. Please stay out of the comments. Thanks.

The Five:

The One Who Swept Me Off My Feet.

You were my first real love. "Real" love in a teenage sense. You were the first big crush I had and the man who had ever shown anything in reciprocation.

For 3 years, you were the star of my teenage affection.  I'd only see you once a year for a week at a time, but it didn't matter. We'd emailed back and forth a couple of times and that was enough for me.

I think twitter-pated is in an accurate description.

You were sweet, funny and gosh-darn-good-looking and I was smitten. And, oh, how you could dance. I think that was the best part of all. The dancing.

Every year it was the same flirting and dancing and then, suddenly, it stopped. You dropped me so fast, my little 18-year-old self-conscious heart didn't know quite what to do. I know why it stopped and it was stupid and my fault.

It took a year to move on. As it sometimes does.

But, from you, I found that there was a chance for me to find someone who cared about me too. And that dancing is important to me... Oh, so important.

You're married now and probably don't remember me. But I hope you're happy.

I am.


The One I Should Have Known Was Trouble When He Walked In.  

You were trouble. Soo much trouble, right from the beginning. And, I believe it's either ironic, or maybe idiotic, that you are the only one out of my Five that I've actually dated.

I could say I wished I'd never dated you, but I'm pretty sure that would be a lie. Because now I know exactly what I NEVER want in a relationship.

What we had was unhealthy.

But, again, I was smitten. A boy (and yes, I mean boy) whom I barely knew, was showing interest in me and because of that I started liking you. And you reciprocated.  And, bam, smitten.

I had a pretty low criteria. Like me back. That was it.

It was doomed from the start.

I put-up with and turned a blind eye to so much crap with you. Definitely too much.

You literally stole my first kiss from me. Not ok, dude. Not ok.

I didn't recognize it at the time, but you were borderline abusive. Never physical, but absolutely mentally and emotionally. A master manipulator and all around skeeve.

I finally realized how bad it had been right after you ended it. I felt so relieved it was over. Not sad in the least. RELIEVED.

Never again.

The One I Called My Best Friend

I thought you were the one. I really did. We had so much fun together. We talked or messaged every day, for over a year, and spent so much time together people thought we WERE dating.

You introduced me toa lot of things that I love and helped me to figure out a lot of who I am now and the things I'm passionate about.

I remember the night I realized you were not on the same page as me and that we were never going to happen. I cried. The whole drive home.

It was hard to let go and it put a sudden, painful hiatus on our friendship.

I'm really sorry for that.

I should have been more up front with you. But I think that time was essential in the long-term. If we hadn't a the rift, we wouldn't have needed to take that day trip to get back in to our rhythm.

The trip we pretty much forced your now-wife to come on with us.

She's more a match for you than I could ever be.

Thank you for the good times. I'll never forget them.


The One I Didn't Think Would Become One

I still don't know about you. When we first met, I wasn't sure we'd get on, but, when you turned around as you were leaving and asked if I'd be in the next day, and then gave me a big smile and a thumbs up at my affirmative response, I was a bit surprised but happy.

We've become pretty close since.

You've had a girlfriend the entire time I've known you, so I've never expected there will be anything more. Well, there are more factors than just that. You are so kind and loving and give such good hugs. And you're there with a listening ear when I've needed it.

We both cried when I left. I think you were one of the hardest things for me to leave behind.

But regardless of our future, I'm so grateful to have you in my life.  You let me feel like I'm worth so much more than I sometimes let myself believe.

Thank you.


The One With Whom I Have Terrible Timing

You are my match. I wish I were just being extreme in my wording, but I'm not. You are the perfect match for me.

I've never experienced any thing quite like the way things are with you. Everything just fits. It kind of scares me how well we go together.

I never feel I need to try to impress you or behave in a out-of-character way to keep you around. We can talk for hours but still be perfectly comfortable just being together reading on our own. It feels so effortless.

When it comes to men, I don't know if I've ever had a "checklist", but you've come along and checked the things I would have had.

Now pretty much everything is checked except, really, the most important one: Is the feeling mutual?

That's the thing I'm not sure of right now.

Part of the reason, I think, is we seem to have really poor timing. We never seem to be in the same area for more than a couple of days at a time.  We can never seem to get it right.

Whatever the case, life will work out as it's supposed to. But thank you for showing me I do have matches out there. I really wasn't sure that was the case.





So, there you have it. My Five. Not life-changing material, but I felt I needed to share it.

Maybe ask yourself, who's your Five? Or maybe you have more/less? What brought you to where you are or who you're with now?

It was a bit cathartic writing to my Five. It might do the same for you.

From Russia With Love.

Who in Russia is reading my blog?! I've had more traffic from there than the U.S. and Canada. And that is weird.

Anyway, I'm back in Canada, and I am happy to be here.

I've made a definite decision to move to Calgary when I get back from the UK in July. It's just right. I have absolutely no reason, bar family, to stay in Lloydminster and it is not the place for me.

I've thinking how my life has taken several unexpected turns over the last several years, and they have always turned out for the best. But, usually the turn will happen when I'm expecting something different and am, therefore, unprepared.

This time, I helped make the turn.

I fully accepted it, gave it a spot on the couch, a blanket and some hot chocolate. I think that's why I feel so weird right now. I'm not jumping in to a new phase in life, but I don't feel like I'm struggling to get on my feet either. It's really a strange feeling.

May be it has to do with getting older.

Speaking of which, it's my birthday on Monday.  I'll be 27. That's weird too.

Paradise.

I gave my blog a bit of a facelift... and I'll probably be doing more. I didn't like how ordinary it looked and made me want to treat it as if it were a really popular profit-making blog.

I think it's on its way.

I've been in Hawai'i for over a month now. Most people would think that would be amazing and that it must be the best thing ever.

Erm... not so much.

Let me be clear that I love Hawai'i. It's a beautiful place with amazing people and there is just such a wonderful spirit about it.

But it's not where I belong right now. I truly appreciate being here and I do love a lot of things about it, but, right now, I don't feel like this is the place for me. Not at this point in my life.

There are several factors that go in to it.

• I'm not a student nor do I have a work visa to be working full-time here.
• I thrive on structure and having a set schedule... this is not part of my life here and it makes me feels useless, uneasy and unmotivated.
• Although I am working on projects on the BYU-Hawai'i campus, I'm not going to be here long enough to get really immersed in them. Plus, all of the bureaucracy of a university has often puts a damper on my initial excitement of a project and it can be hard to get up again. 
• I don't do well in the sun.... I sunburn frequently and get quite crispy when I do. I don't enjoy being burnt. 
• I just plain feel like this is not it. Not where things will go forward. 

I have a little less than two weeks left here and the main project I was asked to stay for is very near its conclusion. I'm a bit sad to leave such a beautiful place and the people I've met here, but more excited to be able to move on to possibly figuring out more of what I'm doing with my life.

I have this inexplicable need to get back to Canada.  It's the strangest feeling that I'm not sure I've ever had.

Maybe there are answers there... But they'll have to wait for now.

Life's a Blur.

My life has been an absolute whirlwind the last two months.

I arrived back in Canada on February 27th.  On March 5th, I was on a plane to Orlando.  A week later, I was flying to Hawaii. Ten days later, back to Canada. Ten days, Salt Lake City. One week, back to Hawaii. And now, my Hawaii stay has been extended three weeks. And three weeks after that return, I'll be heading back to the UK for a visit.

This is not what I was hoping for or expecting when I got home. I knew there would be a Hawaii trip in there somewhere, but not right away.

I thought I'd have time to catch my bearings, perhaps adjust to the time zone, and figure out what I was going to do with myself.

This has not happened, but I think there were other purposes in me coming home when I did as well as constantly being on the move

. There are several things that don't need to be gone in to detail here, but they are definitely part of it.

It hasn't been all smooth sailing. I have broken down a couple of times, missing my life  and friends in Wales, wishing I knew more clearly why I'd come back.

But never once have I regret it. Get frustrated, definitely, but regret, no.

I'm here for a reason, it just hasn't been fully realized yet.

Never A "Goodbye", Only A "See You Later".

It's amazing sometimes how quickly life can change.

How quickly you can make a decision and everything just falls in to place for it.


I've decided to move back to Canada and, within an hour of making the decision, things started to fall in to place confirming it was the right thing to do.

I am so grateful for my faith and for the blessing I have of having a confirmation of my choices.

I have loved my time in Wales. I truly have. It's been an amazing experience.

I have met and grown close to some absolutely incredible people, and have become better because of my relationships with them.


I will never forget my time here, nor the people I've met.


Onward to new adventures... Where ever they may take me.

Risk assessed.

A decision has been made... In fact, writing about it made the decision happen.

I know it's the right one. Here's to a new year.

Little Miss Risk-Taker

You know how life can be chugging along and you think you've got a plan for at least the next year and everything just seems hunky-dory?

And then one factor comes forward and you now have a decision to make that  is somewhat contingent on that factor?

If you hadn't already guessed, that is what I have going on right now.

I'm not going to go in to further detail here since that is not the way I want to approach this decision and the factors that play in to it.

Life always seems to throw you big decisions when you are going contently along.

I think I might use my mantra to decide this... It's one I've been using a lot since I've moved to Wales...

Would I regret it if I didn't do it?


If the answer is yes, then I do it.

So far, it's worked out quite well.