I've been feeling really off lately.
Besides just being in a weird place with not working, I've had this feeling of fear deep in my chest.
Even now that I have a job, it's still there, just as strong. I'm not entirely sure what this fear is, but I think I may have one idea what might be part of it.
I think I have a deep-rooted fear of being forgotten.
When I was younger, I had a reoccurring nightmare of me walking down the street with my mom and my older siblings (the dreams started before Stephen was born), and all of the sudden, they start walking faster and end up leaving me behind.
I try really hard to keep up or even just find them again but I can't. There are always these people appearing all around me pretending and looking just like my mom but I know they aren't really her. And, always right before I wake up, I see them quite a distance away and yell for them but they don't even seem to notice I'm gone, let alone hear me calling to them.
It's always been a terrifying dream. And it has obviously effected me deeply because it's probably been at least 10 years since I last had it and I remember the details so clearly, it's like it's been happening every night for the last 10 years...
Even writing about it now is causing tension in my stomach.
I bring this up, because I think on a sub-conscious level, I feel like I'm being forgotten by the people who I care about and I thought cared about me.
Not my family, but the friends I've made at BYU-Idaho and even the friends I left in Florida only four short months ago. In fact, I feel like some of my friends in Florida started forgetting about me before I even left and it was like I'd never existed after a couple of weeks.
It's like my most terrifying nightmare as a child is coming true.
The hardest part about feeling like you've been forgotten is that when you're in a brand-new country you've never been to before, with nobody at all you know, it makes the huge change you've just made, even more intimidating and scary. I love living in England. I just want to know I'm not forgotten by those I care about.
I don't know, may be I'm just over-thinking this.
But how else can I explain this feeling of absolute fear and loss in my stomach?
5 comments:
Celeste!! I've been following your blog for ages now! You're not forgotten!! I'm so excited you're in England!! :) I want to see some exciting pictures! :)
Not to be harsh, but you can't possibly remain close friends with everyone you've ever been friends with. Be choosy and work hard on retaining friendships that are the most important to you.
i agree with brandon, and i want to apologize for not keeping in touch. but i read all your posts and ur blogs :) and i'm really happy for you and a little jealous as well :P just remember that you are always remembered by the people who matter the most. GBY! and happy easter!
Brandon and Rachel- It's the people I thought I was closest to seem to have forgotten me.That's what is upsetting about it.
I perfectly aware that you can't keep being close friends with absolutely everyone you meet. That would be a waste of energy and completely fruitless.
Not to be harsh Brandon, but Celeste probably could have just used a quick note saying you still remember and care about her. I'm not trying to be confrontational, but I just keep thinking that the last thing a lonely girl thousands of miles away from home needs to hear is that because she is lonely she is being unreasonable in worrying about who still thinks about her back home. (Really, no offense meant. I think counsel is an important part of friendship, but it didn't seem appropriate to me in response to what Celeste wrote, so I had to say something.)
Celeste, I'm so sorry about your dream. It sounds scary. I know how much impact recurring dreams can have on a person. And I know how it feels to realize people you thought cared about you as much as you care about them seem to forget you too easily. I have had a few wake up calls about who my true friends from college and various places I've lived are. While I don't talk to many old friends, there are a few who I talk to every once in a while, and when we talk it's as if no time has passed at all. But there are one or two who have made it clear that the distance is too far, that our friendship doesn't matter to them. And it's hard, I agree with you, very hard.
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is, there are probably lots of us who follow you from afar, and while that's not as comforting as having daily contact and reinforcement that we still care about you, we do care and think about you often. We worry about you and hope you're doing alright. And, I can speak for Ryan and myself, we love you and hope you have a wonderful adventure away from home!
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