There you are, Peter!

I found myself today. Of course, it wasn't all on my own, but I found me just the same.

Lately, I've been feeling really out of it and lost. I felt friendless and alone, that there was no me anymore, just and empty shell of what I once was.

My frustrations came to a head when, in the last couple of days, some unfortunate timing made me feel as if a blog that was written in great frustration was aimed directed at me. I began putting things together in my head that only resulted in me feeling hurt and used.

Fortunately, for my sense of self worth and sense of ME, I have an amazing brother who cares for me and was concerned about my well being.

After a long talk with many,many tears and cries of frustration, Tyler helped me realize, I'd lost me. I wasn't being who I am. I was comparing myself to others and trying to fit in with the status quo.

It was a hard thing to take, quite honestly. I had always thought of myself as an individual, an independent who didn't need to fit in to be happy. I was in denial of the fact that I had lost sight of me , what I loved and who I wanted to be.

I had forgotten who I was.

Now that I have come to the realization of this, I am doing something about it.

I put in my application for a talent scholarship/award from BYU-Idaho. I had never thought of myself as deserving of any kind of award or recognition, but, hell, I have put more hours in to productions at this school than anything else in my life. I do it not for the recognition, but because it's what I love!

I have also decided to find something I like and get really good at it. It may be cross-stitching or singing or dance or whatever. But whatever it is I am going to excel at it. No more mediocrity for me.

Tonight I had a "me" night. I went out to eat by myself and then went and saw a movie, by myself. This is who I am. I don't need to have people with me to be happy. I was trying to be someone I was not and was hurting myself by doing so.

For the first time in a very, very long time I smiled while I was completely on my own. I know that I can be who I am and that the Lord will bless me for not bringing myself down by trying to be who I'm not. Satan uses our weak spots to brings down so we can share in his misery.

No more misery for me, thank you. I am who am. And that is all I need.