Don't you...forget about me.

I've been feeling really off lately.

Besides just being in a weird place with not working, I've had this feeling of fear deep in my chest.

Even now that I have a job, it's still there, just as strong. I'm not entirely sure what this fear is, but I think I may have one idea what might be part of it.

I think I have a deep-rooted fear of being forgotten.

When I was younger,  I had a reoccurring nightmare of me walking down the street with my mom and my older siblings (the dreams started before Stephen was born), and all of the sudden, they start walking faster and end up leaving me behind.
I try really hard to keep up or even just find them again but I can't. There are always these people appearing all around me pretending and looking just like my mom but I know they aren't really her. And, always right before I wake up, I see them quite a distance away and yell for them but they don't even seem to notice I'm gone, let alone hear me calling to them.

It's always been a terrifying dream. And it has obviously effected me deeply because it's probably been at least 10 years since I last had it and I remember the details so clearly, it's like it's been happening every night for the last 10 years...

Even writing about it now is causing tension in my stomach.

I bring this up, because I think on a sub-conscious level, I feel like I'm being forgotten by the people who I care about and I thought cared about me.

Not my family, but the friends I've made at BYU-Idaho and even the friends I left in Florida only four short months ago. In fact, I feel like some of my friends in Florida started forgetting about me before I even left and it was like I'd never existed after a couple of weeks.

It's like my most terrifying nightmare as a child is coming true.

The hardest part about feeling like you've been forgotten is that when you're in a brand-new country you've never been to before, with nobody at all you know, it makes the huge change you've just made, even more intimidating and scary. I love living in England. I just want to know I'm not forgotten by those I care about.

I don't know, may be I'm just over-thinking this.

But how else can I explain this feeling of absolute fear and loss in my stomach?

Clarification.

I realized I should clarify something. I love England. It's fantastic. It feels comfortable and like where I'm supposed to be.

On the other hand LONDON is not my choice place to be. I would much rather be in the Southeast. Kent is where I would rather be. It's less densely populated, more small town and much, much, much cheaper to live in.

But, London is where the job is, so London is where I am.

That is all.

Cheers.