Yep, I can see them. Dragons everywhere. Imagine that.

Recently, I attended a concert.

I say recently, it was three weeks ago, but that's beside the point. 

First off, let me preface this with two things:

1) I don't like concerts. 

I don't like crowds, I don't like my "bubble" being invaded by strangers and I don't usually enjoy the quality of the sound that usually happens  concerts.
I'd much rather listen to the artist's album with a quality pair of headphones.

I also usually won't attend a concert of an artist unless I really, really like them. 

2) Prior to June 6, I was not very familiar with Imagine Dragons. I'd heard what had been on the radio and in ads, but was barely knew their music. Definitely not enough to attend their concert.

Now, back to the purpose of this post. 

The day of the concert, I was not having a good day. I hadn't slept well the night before and I was really tired and generally in a bad mood. And definitely not in the mood to attend a huge concert venue for a band I barely knew.  I usually make decisions based on if I would regret not doing it or not, but this one I had no idea. I wasn't really bothered either way.

I was not in the mood for it and would have pulled out had it not been for the fact that we'd been planning to attend for about four months and, well, it was the day of the concert. 

To pull out so late would have been downright rude. 

And one of my good friends at work said, "Just go. You won't regret it!" So I was going to stick to my commitment. 

We had pretty good seats, so I felt it was promising. Then the opening act came on. 

And it was bad. 

She had talent, but I was completely unfamiliar with her and her music was depressing and weird. I won't say who it was, but it was definitely not a good start. 

The next group, Metric, is more well known, but I am familiar with ONE of theirs songs. It wasn't promising. And their sound balance was really off. Like, painfully off. The band was painfully loud and you could barely hear the singer. 

By this point, I was ready to go wait at the vehicle for the rest of the evening. Just kind of done with it all.

I figured, if Imagine Dragons sound balance was just as bad, I was out. I'd go wait by the vehicle or something. I was on the verge of peace-ing out. 

But then they started.

I didn't know the song, but I loved it. And then I loved the next one. And the next. 

This music, most of which I had never heard, was not only thoroughly enjoyable, it was making me emotional. I don't get emotional. It takes a lot. I have to be really, truly touched or extremely tired.

It may have been the latter. 

But whatever it was, it made up for the rest of my day. I left happy and in a great mood, even though I was still physically exhausted. And it really testified to me the power of good and uplifting music.  

Imagine Dragons is now my go to music choice when I'm not feel then rest of my 8000+ songs on my Itunes. 

I don't feel like I've been able to adequately share how incredible an experience this was for me, but it's hard to put in to words.

It was an incredible and definitely worthwhile experience.  And as my friend said, I didn't regret it.

Not one bit. 

Circling...

Ever feel like your just paddling around in circles, not progressing at all and ending up right where you started?

I'm feeling that more than ever right now.

I need another oar to get me propelled forward.

Suddenly, everything changes...

It's amazing how quickly your life can change.

Three weeks ago, I was just heading to Cardiff to visit, intent on returning to Calgary for at least, the rest of the year.

Now,  I'm finishing up my second  week of my two-week notice and organising my life to move... back to Cardiff.

It's amazing how just little can shake up your life so incredibly.

I'm scared, but it's and excited scared.

It's going to be a great year.

It was a rough year for me. Please deal with it, or keep your thoughts to yourself, so I can.

It has been a really rough year for me.

2013, that is. The first 6 days of the new one have been pretty good.

2013 was a bit of a crap year for me and here's why, and please stay with me until the end, it does end on a good note:

-I made the heartbreaking decision to leave my beloved Wales on Jan. 2, or there abouts. So I started it off with a real cracker of good feelings.
-Following that decision, things began coming smoothly in place, confirming for me that I'd made the right decision.
-The end of February, I left Wales. And moved back to Canada. And spent the next several months in a  whirlwind of travelling.
- In those months, I found myself more lost than ever. Unsure of where I was supposed to be,  and unable to start taking the steps to find that place because of continuing plans for more travel. I have never felt so out of place and completely at a loss as to what to do with my future as I did then.
-After 20 flights and six airports, I found my self back in the only place I'd felt completely at home since high school. Cardiff.
-I again had to leave my home and return to Canada. This time was worse, because I don't know when I will be back.
- I moved to a new city I'd barely been to before, where the closest family I had around was 40 minutes away and very busy.
I arrived with no friends and no connection to the area.
- I moved in to a dark  basement suite, with horrendously loud and horrible upstairs neighbours and realized I'm not cut out for retail long term.
- I became border-lined depressed due to my unpleasant work and living situation. I'd never experienced that before and it terrified me.
-I continue to struggle to find the purpose of my move to Calgary.

- I had confirmed to me that the man I thought was my perfect match, indeed, was not, due to his complete lack of interest in me in any romantic sense.


So yeah. Last year was rough. Really rough. And it doesn't do any good for people to try to downplay the crap of it all.

It was a rough year. And I will not rescind that it was. It was a crap year  and I will label it so.

But... 2013 is over.

All the garbage and unpleasantness from that year can stay in it.

2014 is a new fresh start.

I've moved in to a new home with a lovely flatmate. I'm in process of finding new employment.

And I have very real plans to return to Cardiff.

So, what if last year sucked? It's last year.

There are so many potentially good things for me this year. Some I'm aware of and some I have no idea are on the horizon.

I have a beautiful future ahead of me and, although I have no idea what it is, I have my faith, family and friends to help me get there.

It's a bit scary and daunting, but I'm up for it.

2014 is going to be good. Because I'm going to make it that way.

Another Year Over. A New One Just Begun... Almost

It's been awhile.

And it's been a very long year.

This year has been all over the place. Major highs and some of the lowest lows I've ever experienced.
I really don't want to go through it all again, but I know I've benefitted from the experiences of this year, I just may not see the full benefit right now.

I'm really happy to leave 2013 behind. I'm not really that superstitious, but the 13 of this year has really done a number on me.

I look forward to a new year and a fresh start so I can get back to the happy place I was the beginning of last year.

It may not be easy, but I know it's attainable.

Happy Christmas and Happy New Year.

The Five

 I never fathomed at 27, I'd be single. I'm ok with that, but it got me thinking about how I am the way I am in my relationships with men.

On the eve/early morning hours of that birthday, I've come to conclusion of sorts.

There have been five men in my life who have most affected me in regards to romantic relationships and these are them.
I've decided to write these as if they were notes to them. Some I'm still in contact with, some I haven't seen or heard from in years. But each have shaped my relationships with the others.

Of course, I won't be naming names. Instead, I'll label them like an episode of Friends. If you recognize them, please, keep it to yourself. I don't intend this to call people out on anything, it's merely me reflecting on this aspect of my life.

Now, gents, if you do recognize yourself in here, you're welcome to privately message me. Please stay out of the comments. Thanks.

The Five:

The One Who Swept Me Off My Feet.

You were my first real love. "Real" love in a teenage sense. You were the first big crush I had and the man who had ever shown anything in reciprocation.

For 3 years, you were the star of my teenage affection.  I'd only see you once a year for a week at a time, but it didn't matter. We'd emailed back and forth a couple of times and that was enough for me.

I think twitter-pated is in an accurate description.

You were sweet, funny and gosh-darn-good-looking and I was smitten. And, oh, how you could dance. I think that was the best part of all. The dancing.

Every year it was the same flirting and dancing and then, suddenly, it stopped. You dropped me so fast, my little 18-year-old self-conscious heart didn't know quite what to do. I know why it stopped and it was stupid and my fault.

It took a year to move on. As it sometimes does.

But, from you, I found that there was a chance for me to find someone who cared about me too. And that dancing is important to me... Oh, so important.

You're married now and probably don't remember me. But I hope you're happy.

I am.


The One I Should Have Known Was Trouble When He Walked In.  

You were trouble. Soo much trouble, right from the beginning. And, I believe it's either ironic, or maybe idiotic, that you are the only one out of my Five that I've actually dated.

I could say I wished I'd never dated you, but I'm pretty sure that would be a lie. Because now I know exactly what I NEVER want in a relationship.

What we had was unhealthy.

But, again, I was smitten. A boy (and yes, I mean boy) whom I barely knew, was showing interest in me and because of that I started liking you. And you reciprocated.  And, bam, smitten.

I had a pretty low criteria. Like me back. That was it.

It was doomed from the start.

I put-up with and turned a blind eye to so much crap with you. Definitely too much.

You literally stole my first kiss from me. Not ok, dude. Not ok.

I didn't recognize it at the time, but you were borderline abusive. Never physical, but absolutely mentally and emotionally. A master manipulator and all around skeeve.

I finally realized how bad it had been right after you ended it. I felt so relieved it was over. Not sad in the least. RELIEVED.

Never again.

The One I Called My Best Friend

I thought you were the one. I really did. We had so much fun together. We talked or messaged every day, for over a year, and spent so much time together people thought we WERE dating.

You introduced me toa lot of things that I love and helped me to figure out a lot of who I am now and the things I'm passionate about.

I remember the night I realized you were not on the same page as me and that we were never going to happen. I cried. The whole drive home.

It was hard to let go and it put a sudden, painful hiatus on our friendship.

I'm really sorry for that.

I should have been more up front with you. But I think that time was essential in the long-term. If we hadn't a the rift, we wouldn't have needed to take that day trip to get back in to our rhythm.

The trip we pretty much forced your now-wife to come on with us.

She's more a match for you than I could ever be.

Thank you for the good times. I'll never forget them.


The One I Didn't Think Would Become One

I still don't know about you. When we first met, I wasn't sure we'd get on, but, when you turned around as you were leaving and asked if I'd be in the next day, and then gave me a big smile and a thumbs up at my affirmative response, I was a bit surprised but happy.

We've become pretty close since.

You've had a girlfriend the entire time I've known you, so I've never expected there will be anything more. Well, there are more factors than just that. You are so kind and loving and give such good hugs. And you're there with a listening ear when I've needed it.

We both cried when I left. I think you were one of the hardest things for me to leave behind.

But regardless of our future, I'm so grateful to have you in my life.  You let me feel like I'm worth so much more than I sometimes let myself believe.

Thank you.


The One With Whom I Have Terrible Timing

You are my match. I wish I were just being extreme in my wording, but I'm not. You are the perfect match for me.

I've never experienced any thing quite like the way things are with you. Everything just fits. It kind of scares me how well we go together.

I never feel I need to try to impress you or behave in a out-of-character way to keep you around. We can talk for hours but still be perfectly comfortable just being together reading on our own. It feels so effortless.

When it comes to men, I don't know if I've ever had a "checklist", but you've come along and checked the things I would have had.

Now pretty much everything is checked except, really, the most important one: Is the feeling mutual?

That's the thing I'm not sure of right now.

Part of the reason, I think, is we seem to have really poor timing. We never seem to be in the same area for more than a couple of days at a time.  We can never seem to get it right.

Whatever the case, life will work out as it's supposed to. But thank you for showing me I do have matches out there. I really wasn't sure that was the case.





So, there you have it. My Five. Not life-changing material, but I felt I needed to share it.

Maybe ask yourself, who's your Five? Or maybe you have more/less? What brought you to where you are or who you're with now?

It was a bit cathartic writing to my Five. It might do the same for you.

From Russia With Love.

Who in Russia is reading my blog?! I've had more traffic from there than the U.S. and Canada. And that is weird.

Anyway, I'm back in Canada, and I am happy to be here.

I've made a definite decision to move to Calgary when I get back from the UK in July. It's just right. I have absolutely no reason, bar family, to stay in Lloydminster and it is not the place for me.

I've thinking how my life has taken several unexpected turns over the last several years, and they have always turned out for the best. But, usually the turn will happen when I'm expecting something different and am, therefore, unprepared.

This time, I helped make the turn.

I fully accepted it, gave it a spot on the couch, a blanket and some hot chocolate. I think that's why I feel so weird right now. I'm not jumping in to a new phase in life, but I don't feel like I'm struggling to get on my feet either. It's really a strange feeling.

May be it has to do with getting older.

Speaking of which, it's my birthday on Monday.  I'll be 27. That's weird too.

Paradise.

I gave my blog a bit of a facelift... and I'll probably be doing more. I didn't like how ordinary it looked and made me want to treat it as if it were a really popular profit-making blog.

I think it's on its way.

I've been in Hawai'i for over a month now. Most people would think that would be amazing and that it must be the best thing ever.

Erm... not so much.

Let me be clear that I love Hawai'i. It's a beautiful place with amazing people and there is just such a wonderful spirit about it.

But it's not where I belong right now. I truly appreciate being here and I do love a lot of things about it, but, right now, I don't feel like this is the place for me. Not at this point in my life.

There are several factors that go in to it.

• I'm not a student nor do I have a work visa to be working full-time here.
• I thrive on structure and having a set schedule... this is not part of my life here and it makes me feels useless, uneasy and unmotivated.
• Although I am working on projects on the BYU-Hawai'i campus, I'm not going to be here long enough to get really immersed in them. Plus, all of the bureaucracy of a university has often puts a damper on my initial excitement of a project and it can be hard to get up again. 
• I don't do well in the sun.... I sunburn frequently and get quite crispy when I do. I don't enjoy being burnt. 
• I just plain feel like this is not it. Not where things will go forward. 

I have a little less than two weeks left here and the main project I was asked to stay for is very near its conclusion. I'm a bit sad to leave such a beautiful place and the people I've met here, but more excited to be able to move on to possibly figuring out more of what I'm doing with my life.

I have this inexplicable need to get back to Canada.  It's the strangest feeling that I'm not sure I've ever had.

Maybe there are answers there... But they'll have to wait for now.

Life's a Blur.

My life has been an absolute whirlwind the last two months.

I arrived back in Canada on February 27th.  On March 5th, I was on a plane to Orlando.  A week later, I was flying to Hawaii. Ten days later, back to Canada. Ten days, Salt Lake City. One week, back to Hawaii. And now, my Hawaii stay has been extended three weeks. And three weeks after that return, I'll be heading back to the UK for a visit.

This is not what I was hoping for or expecting when I got home. I knew there would be a Hawaii trip in there somewhere, but not right away.

I thought I'd have time to catch my bearings, perhaps adjust to the time zone, and figure out what I was going to do with myself.

This has not happened, but I think there were other purposes in me coming home when I did as well as constantly being on the move

. There are several things that don't need to be gone in to detail here, but they are definitely part of it.

It hasn't been all smooth sailing. I have broken down a couple of times, missing my life  and friends in Wales, wishing I knew more clearly why I'd come back.

But never once have I regret it. Get frustrated, definitely, but regret, no.

I'm here for a reason, it just hasn't been fully realized yet.

Never A "Goodbye", Only A "See You Later".

It's amazing sometimes how quickly life can change.

How quickly you can make a decision and everything just falls in to place for it.


I've decided to move back to Canada and, within an hour of making the decision, things started to fall in to place confirming it was the right thing to do.

I am so grateful for my faith and for the blessing I have of having a confirmation of my choices.

I have loved my time in Wales. I truly have. It's been an amazing experience.

I have met and grown close to some absolutely incredible people, and have become better because of my relationships with them.


I will never forget my time here, nor the people I've met.


Onward to new adventures... Where ever they may take me.

Risk assessed.

A decision has been made... In fact, writing about it made the decision happen.

I know it's the right one. Here's to a new year.

Little Miss Risk-Taker

You know how life can be chugging along and you think you've got a plan for at least the next year and everything just seems hunky-dory?

And then one factor comes forward and you now have a decision to make that  is somewhat contingent on that factor?

If you hadn't already guessed, that is what I have going on right now.

I'm not going to go in to further detail here since that is not the way I want to approach this decision and the factors that play in to it.

Life always seems to throw you big decisions when you are going contently along.

I think I might use my mantra to decide this... It's one I've been using a lot since I've moved to Wales...

Would I regret it if I didn't do it?


If the answer is yes, then I do it.

So far, it's worked out quite well.

Parlez-vous ma langue?

As a pre-emptive strike, I would just like to note one thing: I am extremely happy with my life right now, I love my life, my job, my friends and family. I am nearly perfectly happy and no, there is nothing wrong.

On to my post.

Loneliness.
Such a generalised term that gets far too abused.
A person can be lonely in a crowded room or be completely happy in a room by themselves.
I've been thinking about loneliness lately. The different kinds of loneliness.  And how different people react to it, get into feeling that way and what people do or even don't do about it.

Some things I've discovered:

I am not "lonely" as it would be generally termed. I am happy. Really, truly, happy. I have amazing friends who love and care for me, I have a fervent and strong testimony of my faith.

I have a job I absolutely adore, working with people whom I love and who care for me.

I am really happy.

But,

I have also found that I do have some "loneliness"

I find I am "romantically lonely".

Yes, that is a term I just made up.
It definitely does NOT mean I am desperate for a boyfriend... Oh no, no, no...


I'm just, how to describe it...

Craving? Yeah, I'll use that.

I find I'm craving romance. Not necessarily a relationship, just... affection.

You know the sappy stuff, like hand-holding and cuddling. Watching a movie cwtched (that's to cuddle or snuggle with affection for all you non-Welsh speakers) up on a couch with a boy.

Even a solid, long hug would do me lots of good.

And really not much more than that.

Now, why do I feel like this? I ask my self this too.

And I know the answer.

It's my Love Language. Physical Touch. True story. I've even done the little quiz.

 I am a very cuddly person, always have been and I feel like over the last year I've haven't had a lot of practice speaking in my native tongue.

What can I or have I been doing about it? Um... I think I have been trying to speak and understand other languages, to be honest.

Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service. And as any one who has learned a foreign language can probably tell you, it's just not the same as someone speaking your own language.

Pretty much any one I hang around with could easily pick out my attempts at bilingualism. And really, they are enjoyable but not as fulfilling for me.

What am I going to do about it? I don't know. There's not a lot I can do.

Keep practicing my 2nd-5th languages and hope someday soon someone will be speaking mine.

In the meantime... Cookie any one? :)

Just... yeah.

Have you ever just wanted to write a blog post, but you have no idea what you want to write about?

I may or may not be doing that right now.

So this may be a bit disjointed.

So just an update on my life:

It's awesome. 

I love my life right now. 

I have a fabulous job, I have fabulous friends and I am in a wonderful city.

I have never been just so blissfully happy with my life, I feel a bit like I don't deserve such a great time.

It's to the point where I feel like, soon the other shoe is going to drop and all hell will break loose. 

But I think that's just stupid negativity coming in.

I am really happy, and I plan to continue to be that way.

Unleash the Beast!

So, last night I attended a wedding reception as a roadie for the DJ. It was at this beautiful, really Gothic look castle/house. So gorgeous. (Unfortunately, it was super rainy and I was unloading equipment and only took one picture of a courtyard. And I can't figue out how to turn it to post it...)

I've never been to a British wedding and, to me, it seems they party a lot better than North Americans. I'm not just talking about the excessive drinking, just the whole set up of the reception and partying.

Anyway, this is not a analysis of wedding receptions.

This is a story.

So, about 3 hours in to the reception, I had just sat down to eat some much needed food and one of the male wedding guests, motioned for me to come join on the dance floor.

I didn't want to be a crasher so I politely declined.

Next thing I knew, he's grabbed my hand and was pulling me to the floor, saying, "We need you to dance."

Oh bless. He had been drinking enough at that point, I don't know if he realised I wasn't actually a guest.

So, I danced.

Keeping a close eye on the drunk males around me to make sure they didn't get too close... if you know what I mean.

Once up there it appeared that there were a couple guys who had been waiting for me to dance and I was soon in the frenzy.

Don't worry the boys behaved themselves.

The guy who'd pulled me in told me I "rocked" and at then end of the song I sat back down.

About an hour later....

He dragged me in again.

This time he was a bit further gone and was drunk whispering to me to, and, I quote, "Unleash the beast", "Let the animal out" and "Own the floor."

Now, if it had been an American with (to me) no accent, I might have found it creepy.

But with his British accent, it was freakin' funny.

I had to stop myself from literally laughing out loud.

How does one "unleash the beast" and "let the animal out"?

It wasn't just his accent it was the request its self.

I really didn't know what he was expecting me to do, so I just kept dancing as I had been. I couldn't go to crazy either because a) I didn't know these people nor how they would respond, and b) I was there on a professional level with the DJ so I had to keep some professionalism.

It was the most ridiculous request/experience I've ever had on the dance floor, but it was great to get to dance.

When he pulled me up to dance a third time (even more drunk) and requested that I "touch the rug" aka his chest hair, I declined and decided I was done on the dance floor for the night.

It was quite the experience, to say the least.

Why post about this? Because it was a stinkin' funny experience that I wanted to remember and share. Also, it serves as a reminder to me.

I was reminded how grateful I am for the standards and morals I have. I don't drink and happily do so. The whole night was a drunken party that I was grateful to have chosen to never experience.


The bride disappeared about 4 hours in and the groom was still hanging around. There was the early stages of a drunken brawl and I'm pretty sure none of those people remember today what happened last night.

I'm grateful for the choices I make and things I have been taught.


As a follow up, at the end of the night, when we were packing up, the guy who'd dragged me in to dance, came over, thanked the DJ and thanked me for the dance. Apparently I'd helped make the evening quite fun for him.

I had fun too. And I will probably never forget it.

It's just another day, doo-doo, doo, do do.

So, it's been about six months since I last blogged... It's a good thing I don't do this professionally.

Anyway, a lot has transpired in those six months.

In February, I had emergency invasive eye surgery due to bleeding in my eyes caused by complications from a previous treatment.

In March, I decided to moved back to the U.K. Namely, Wales.

I spent most of April in either Houston or Hawaii and in May, I followed through with my plans.

I moved to Wales.

There's, of course, more fiddly bits between those events, but those are basically the highlights. Maybe I'll blog about the individual events someday. Maybe I won't.

So, I now live in Wales. And I LOVE it. I don't know what it is about this place, but I've not felt so "in place" in a long time.

Things seem to be coming together nicely as well. I am one of the few people my age in the U.K. to have a full-time job.

At the new Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff.

I'm totally neutral in my feelings about it.

Completely impartial as you can see here.

Anyway, maybe I'll blog more, may be I won't.

Either way, I'm really happy and where I'm supposed to be right now.

That is all.

Good day. I said, Good day, sir.
(ten points to who ever can name that reference)

I am a Geek Girl, hear me roar.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've never said it before nor did I really realize it, 

 but I am a Geek Girl.

I love mainstream Sci-Fi.  Star Wars, Firefly, Doctor Who. Love it.

I will enthusiastically and with great detail dress as movie characters whenever the opportunity calls for it.

I will attend movie dressed in full period-appropriate costume... a week after the film opened.

I really, really, really want to attend a Con. Dragon*Con, Comic-Con, whatever. In full costume, of course. 

I find Steampunk beautiful and am planning on using elements to outfit a future home.

 via

 via

I am slightly obsessed with Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Who. 

via

via

via 

I regularly quote movies and television shows in every day life.

When my best friend gives me an umbrella with a sword handle for Christmas, I think it is on of the coolest gifts ever and I dress the part and do a photo shoot with it.

I will have a Nerf war with you, anytime, anywhere.

I will have an epic battle against my best friend with toy swords in the toy department of Target and then ride across the parking lot in a shopping cart. 

I believe only Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI exist.

I re-read the entire Harry Potter series within a month and still openly wept at the end. 

I have read and re-read my favorite book, Beauty by Robin Mckinley probably 10 times and will read it at least 10 more.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is my favorite movie and one of my favorite books.

I will be attending at least one, if not more, Can't Stop the Serenity events this summer.

I am a Browncoat. 

I am a Whovian. 

I am a Geek Girl

It keeps me joyful, young at heart, full of imagination and sense of adventure. 

I am a Geek Girl.

And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

 

All growed up.

I think I've become a full-fledged adult over the last six months. I've been living completely on my own since November and I managing several rental properties and running a company. But one of the main things that makes me feel like an adult is that over the past few months, I've made overnight trips to Edmonton and paid for hotels room for just me. That's actually where I am right now.

Taking on what feel more like "real" responsibilities has been a great learning experience and, I'm pretty sure, it's preparing me for whatever's ahead of me in life.

Maybe business trips and hotel rooms by myself is part of my future. It's not what I wanted, but I can only play the game with the cards I've been dealt.

So, Dealer, hit me.

And we're back.

Wow, it's a good thing I don't blog for a living. I would be dead broke.

Anyway, since I last wrote, my life has taken all sorts of unexpected turns.

First off, I no longer live in England.

I love living in England and it was perhaps the coolest experience thus far in my life, but, unfortunately, it had to be cut short.

At the beginning of July, I was running late and ended up not eating for most of the day and by mid-day was suffering from cold sweats, shaking and indescribable stomach pain.

This had happened to me once before the previous fall and I was basically incapacitated for a week. It was really bad and happening again, but after I ate something, I felt a bit better.

Now, just a few days prior to this horrible pain, I was stressing. I was struggling big time financially and was finding really hard to get by on part time wages living in perhaps one of the most expensive cities in the world. I had the impression that what needed to be done was that at the end of the summer I was going to go home to get back on my feet financially.

It just became a question "when" rather than "if".

The following day, the doubled-over stomach pain hit.

So I made the decision to at the end of July, I would come home to figure out what was wrong with me since I'd been having stomach problems intermittently since one really stressful semester at BYU-I.

After the decision was made, I started feeling better, but when I was reconsidering a few days prior to my departure, I had perhaps the most vicious stomach pain attack and was thoroughly reassured of my decision. The nine hour flight back was not the most comfortable flight I had. There was a LOT of medication involved.

Anyway, I returned to Canada and after a couple of days recuperating, I went to the doctor to try and get all this figured out. A couple of days and two blood tests later, I was admitted in to the hospital for almost a week as a newly diagnosed Type 2 Diabetic.

Now, I'm pretty sure the diabetes was not the cause of the stomach pain, but it was a contributing factor and I've been working really hard to get that situation under control and so far, so good.

So since my discharge from the hospital, I have been working really hard for my dad. I started out as a delivery driver for his oilfield lubricant company and have since worked my way up to Acting Manager.

Pretty impressive, right?

Well not really, since the promotion to manager came out of desperation since my parents were moving to Hawaii for several months and Dad needed someone to take care of the mean time.

So, pretty much since the beginning of November, I have been running the company and managing Dad's rental properties. I'm also house-sitting for my parents by myself in the big old house I grew up in, that's several miles out of town.

Sometimes I wonder how long it would take someone to find my body should something happen to me, but that has yet to become an actual issue, and, knock on wood, shouldn't be one.

Anyway that's an official update on my life. I do feel like I'm going a bit crazy being by myself in this big old house, but Dad says if I recognized that I might be going crazy, I'm not. So when I stop seeing the crazy, someone come get me :)

I miss England and I really miss my friends, but I've made some good connections here. This is the longest I've lived in Canada since high school, so it's been an adventure but a good one.

And there are many great adventures on the horizon.

Don't you...forget about me.

I've been feeling really off lately.

Besides just being in a weird place with not working, I've had this feeling of fear deep in my chest.

Even now that I have a job, it's still there, just as strong. I'm not entirely sure what this fear is, but I think I may have one idea what might be part of it.

I think I have a deep-rooted fear of being forgotten.

When I was younger,  I had a reoccurring nightmare of me walking down the street with my mom and my older siblings (the dreams started before Stephen was born), and all of the sudden, they start walking faster and end up leaving me behind.
I try really hard to keep up or even just find them again but I can't. There are always these people appearing all around me pretending and looking just like my mom but I know they aren't really her. And, always right before I wake up, I see them quite a distance away and yell for them but they don't even seem to notice I'm gone, let alone hear me calling to them.

It's always been a terrifying dream. And it has obviously effected me deeply because it's probably been at least 10 years since I last had it and I remember the details so clearly, it's like it's been happening every night for the last 10 years...

Even writing about it now is causing tension in my stomach.

I bring this up, because I think on a sub-conscious level, I feel like I'm being forgotten by the people who I care about and I thought cared about me.

Not my family, but the friends I've made at BYU-Idaho and even the friends I left in Florida only four short months ago. In fact, I feel like some of my friends in Florida started forgetting about me before I even left and it was like I'd never existed after a couple of weeks.

It's like my most terrifying nightmare as a child is coming true.

The hardest part about feeling like you've been forgotten is that when you're in a brand-new country you've never been to before, with nobody at all you know, it makes the huge change you've just made, even more intimidating and scary. I love living in England. I just want to know I'm not forgotten by those I care about.

I don't know, may be I'm just over-thinking this.

But how else can I explain this feeling of absolute fear and loss in my stomach?